Dear Lucia,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. We’re in our 30’s and have a committed relationship. Jay has been divorced since 2003 and was with the ex for 8 years. There were no children from the marriage.
He still has pictures of her on his PC. They are not displayed on the desktop, but are in folders & there are many of them. It’s upsetting for me when we are viewing pictures to have to stop abruptly because the rest of the pictures have her in them.
Last night I asked why he kept them and it seemed like he hadn’t really thought it through, but then he just said that they were there for memories. I said well why can’t you get rid of the ones that have her in them?
Is it OK for me to ask him to get rid of her pictures? Bobi
Dear Bobi,
What are you afraid of? Do you think that one day he’ll be looking at her pictures and decide to get back together with her? Well, he just might do that if you’re going to be an insecure girlfriend. You’re asking him to throw away memories from 8 years of his life. How dare you!
He had a life before you met him. All his relationships, including his marriage, have made him into the person you fell in love with. If anything, you should be grateful that he’s already been married and made mistakes he’ll know not to repeat if you two ever walk down the aisle.
What matters is what’s in his heart, not his hard drive. Let it go.
Dear Lucia,
I recently began dating someone who was a perfect gentleman. When we became sexual, it turned out he was into S & M and liked to dominate. I participated a few times because the first time it was excitingly unexpected, the second time it was still fun, and then the third time it started to become boringly repetitive.
I left the third time, and later told him I didn’t think the role playing was for me. Now he is begging me to come back, telling me he really likes me and that we don’t need to role play. However, it seems to me if he was audacious enough to start in on the role play without consulting me first, that he is bad news for the long term. I want to be with someone sweet, kind, and loving – not someone who wants me to call him "master" and who calls me a "bad girl".
I’m under the impression if I went back with him he would still be a "dapper dungeon master" and that doesn’t really appeal to me. Good Girl
Dear Good Girl,
You two are not sexually compatible. You want to “make love”. He wants to “have sex”. You’re right not to see him again. He should know better than to try to turn a non-slave into a slave! There are plenty of women available that will play that role; you’re just not one of them.
Dear Lucia,
I recently met a guy at a friend’s party. He didn’t tell me his real age when we first met because he said I wouldn’t have given him a second glance. The moment we first laid eyes on each other and started talking we hit it off right away, everything faded and it felt like it was just the two of us. We saw each other again a week later and that’s when he told me he was 19. I was in shock, I didn’t know what to say or do. I became cold and distant to this person whom I thought was good for me. He didn’t act 19, his mind isn’t 19. He’s smart, he treats me well, he makes me happy, we’re compatible on so many levels and he’s warm, kind and sweet. Am I wrong to date him? In shock
Dear In shock,
It’s interesting to note that if you were a man, you would probably not be writing in to ask me whether you should be dating a 19 year old girl. Luckily, the double standard that exists in dating regarding age differences is slowly going away. I believe in 15-20 years, it will no longer be an issue.
You didn’t tell me your age, but it doesn’t matter. It’s not about age, it’s about energy. The “secret” taught us that like energy attracts like energy. While I’m sure there is of course a physical attraction, there is also an energy attraction. This is why you hit it off right away and conversation flowed easily.
He treats you well, makes you happy, is warm, kind and sweet and you’re compatible on many levels. Are you wrong to date him? You’re wrong not to date him. Enjoy yourself and don’t be too concerned for now about whether or not it will last. You’ll cross that bridge when you get to it.
Dear Lucia,
I’ve had a boyfriend for 4 months now. He’s a nice guy but falls into depressions because of his past problems and a divorce 3 years ago. His mood changes constantly and sometimes he answers me in a very rude way when there is no reason to be like that with me. I asked him to try and get professional help, but he refuses to tell his problems to a stranger. I really don’t know what to think anymore. He is unstable emotionally and I’m starting to think that it’s better I let him go and keep going with my life even if we love each other. Am I wasting my time trying to help him? Should I keep trying to have him go to a specialist? I don’t want to lose him, but if I have no future with him, I guess I will. Diana
Dear Diana,
A relationship is about supporting the strongest part of your partner, not the weakest part. Singer Mary J. Blige credits her husband Kendu with helping her stop drinking. When they were still dating, he issued an ultimatum that if she came home drunk, he was leaving. She chose their relationship over alcohol and turned her life around. He was not going to stay and try to “make” her get help.
If your man doesn’t want to go to therapy, there’s nothing you can do. How much time are you willing to waste, hoping that he will? I suggest you issue your own ultimatum – either he gets help for his depression or you’re out.
