When the home aspect undergoes a crisis such as a bereavement or parents splitting up, it can be harder to cope. That extra stress, in combination with the increased financial pressures placed on a single parent household can make it tempting to place the child or children into school.
That is a topic for another day, and sometimes circumstances dictate the path we must take. But suffice it to say that to the extent possible, you need to keep things amicable and keep the kids’ best interests in mind. Going through divorce is never easy and hopefully these tips will help ensure the kids are protected.
Managing Emotions is Harder Than it Sounds
Regardless of the reasons or the background to the breakup, when it becomes a reality, emotions are high for you as a parent. It can be difficult to set your emotions aside and to understand how your children are feeling. Specifically, it is only too easy to assume that they are feeling the same emotions as you, emotions that might include sadness, rejection, fear, maybe guilt or jealousy.
It’s important to listen to your children and to try to avoid being judgemental or projecting your emotions onto them. They might feel anger or resentment towards you, your former spouse or both of you. Try to take this on the chin – remember who is the adult and talk through it together. The alternative is for communication to break down between you, and the bad feelings can rapidly escalate into something worse.
Keep Expectations Realistic
In the immediate wake of the break-up, there are a lot of unknowns. Don’t make promises you can’t keep or fob off your child’s concerns. For example, it might feel tempting to say something like “Everything will be fine and you will see your Dad soon, so stop worrying.”
Think about it, though, that’s really not going to reassure anyone. At the same time, painting a rosy picture of harmonious co-parenting before you have agreed everything with your divorce lawyer is also just setting up your children for further disappointment, resulting in a possible loss of trust.
Always be honest, talk about what is happening in the short term, this week and next week, and try to keep that as the focus. If you don’t know beyond that, say so. Time and again, children have demonstrated that they are highly resilient as long as they know what is happening and they have support structures in place. Those structures must include space for open two-way communication, ideally with both parents.
Delineate Between Home and School
In some respects, marital breakups can be easier to handle for children who go to school as the routine is completely unchanged. What’s more, children invariably find that other classmates have experienced the same thing, and even if they don’t necessarily discuss it at any length, it provides the reassurance that this is not the end of the world and plenty of people have parents who live apart.
Those, of course, are the positive aspects. The flip side is that children can sometimes be cruel, and a schoolyard can seem a tough environment for a child in a delicate emotional state. Ultimately, we mentioned the importance of routine earlier, and it is better to maintain the home schooling status quo if it’s possible. This is not a good time for introducing more changes if you can avoid doing so.
That, however, puts the onus upon you to draw the line between home and school. If you and your child need to spend a little time weeping on each other’s shoulders during home time, that is understandable. But when the school day starts, it is down to business – and that applies to both of you.
Watch for Signs
Ultimately, we are all different. Each child reacts to separation and divorce in his or her own way, and some find it easier than others. If your child is struggling, try to avoid feeling guilty or responsible. Such feelings are understandable but they are also counter-productive. Instead, take a deep breath and be alert for signs, such as the following:
Unusual Behavior
The most common indicator, when children start “acting up” during lessons or perhaps having fallouts with friends, is often down to distress about your separation. Take time to talk, talk, talk.
Avoiding the Subject
You might answer “if only” – not every child finds it easy to express feelings. They might find a little professional help works.
Being Distant from You
This is very common, don’t worry. Sometimes children find it easier to talk to an “outsider” about their feelings, so speak to a family health professional to find out what child counseling services are available in your area.
Take Time for Yourself
Whether the separation came out of the blue or it is something you had been planning with military precision, it still hits you like a 10-ton truck when it becomes reality. Accept whatever help is available and take time to deal with your own emotions. This is when friends and family are more important than ever, so accept any help on offer.
Unless you can wipe the slate mentally and carry on, it will be impossible to help your children to the extent that they need, so don’t try to be a hero. Nobody will hand out any prizes for that.
