Just went through a breakup or know someone who did? Breakups can be hard, regardless of whether it’s fresh, an old wound, or even if you’re the dumper or the dumpee. It may seem impossible to get out of at the moment, but you can, and you will eventually pull yourself together. While it’s tempting to wallow in your feelings, you can’t stay in there forever –– it’ll eventually take a toll on your physical and mental well-being for the worse.
Instead, we’re here to provide you with several productive ways that you can process and properly reflect on whatever’s happened. It’s not going to happen overnight, but building healthy habits and reframing your current mindset will eventually bring you nearer to that closure you need. Regardless if you’re deciding whether to save a struggling relationship or to move on quietly, we offer you some feasible advice to work your way through this trying time.
Acceptance Is Key
According to relationship expert Gigi Engle, the first step to moving on is to admit that you’re hurt –– it’s okay to not be okay. There is absolutely nothing wrong with giving in to your emotions and acknowledging that you’re hurting. Being vulnerable is a sign of courage. Instead of avoiding and burying your feelings, take a moment to process your emotions and be honest with how you feel.
Being in constant denial of your sadness will never give you the proper closure you need. Pushing it away where you can’t see it doesn’t make it magically vanish –– it only forces you to suppress your hurt, leaving it to fester and eventually explode. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been in a relationship for ten years, two years, or even five months. The desire of wanting to be loved, and having that taken away, is bound to hurt.
Don’t Fault Yourself
No, it’s not your fault. A relationship is between two parties and no one should be solely blamed for the breakup. Social psychologist Lauren Howe, Ph.D. advises against overthinking whether you’ve been too clingy or too sensitive. There’s a multitude of factors that can cause a relationship to fail –– perhaps it happened at the wrong timing, or the individual was not ready for something committed.
Engaging in self-blame and negative thoughts might be hard to avoid but that’s not going to make things better. If anything, getting rid of the “it’s all my fault” mindset will allow you to see things more objectively.
Yes, You Have To Block Your Ex
This is your sign to block them, now. And no, there’s nothing really to it –– it’s as straightforward as it sounds. You don’t have to keep them on your blocked list forever, but it’s recommended that you block your ex on all social media platforms in the early stages of a breakup. This is for two main reasons:
First, blocking your ex means helps to curb any impulse of reaching out to them again. The last thing you want is to start DM-ing them or replying to their social media posts. Secondly, removing your ex off your feed prevents you from having access to their regular updates and whatever’s happening in their lives. Regardless of whether or not your breakup is amicable, wounded, and raw feelings are bound to exist in the initial stages. As such, you’ll need to establish a cooling-off period to get your emotions in check first. Constantly seeing them on your feed is akin to adding salt on your wound –– being constantly bombarded by feelings of jealousy, bitterness, sadness, and betrayal isn’t going to be beneficial to your mental health.
Communicate Your Feelings
Grab a pen and paper and pen. Relationship expert Gary Lewandowski, Ph.D. recommends that you write for 30 minutes daily. Process your thoughts about the relationship –– what led to the breakup, how both of your actions affected the relationship, and what you’ve learned from your mistakes. Lewandowski suggests avoiding being overly negative and critical in your writing. Instead, look out for the positives –– such as independence, reclaimed freedom and newfound information gained –– that will help better yourself and allow you to walk into your next relationship better prepared. People who engaged in cathartic, reflective writing have been found to experience stronger feelings of calmness, confidence, and empowerment.
Find A Companion
Sometimes, one might feel that getting help shows “weakness” or that it might be burdensome to others. However, admitting you have feelings is a sign of power and demonstrates a good maturity growth, quotes Engle.
In fact, more people might be more willing to help you than you think. Confide in your most trusted family or friends about how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking about. An alternative would be to get professional help from a therapist as they are certified to help people navigate their problems. However, do take note not to let that spiral into constantly talking bad about your ex.
Limit Your Alcohol Intake and Partying
A little bit of fun won’t hurt anybody, but take note that too much of this will only harm you in the long run. During moments of heartbreak, getting wasted, and having fun partying does help us feel better temporarily, says Engle. However, as Engle warns, its effects will wear off soon. Instead, overreliance on this may escalate into an unhealthy dependency and desire for the adrenaline rush that isn’t sustainable in the long run. You have to give yourself proper time to grieve over a breakup, as with any other loss. Instead of focusing on numbing the pain, you have to face it.
Clear Your Head
Why not take this time to participate in some outdoor activities? Take a walk around your neighborhood, go hike that mountain you’ve always wanted to try, or spend a night in a camping site. Disconnect for a bit and take the time to appreciate the beauty of nature. A Finnish survey reported that spending more time in nature correlates to an improvement in emotional well-being.
Learn From The Breakup
Life is a learning journey, and going through a breakup is only part and parcel of growing up. Instead of dwelling in self-pity and only seeing the negatives of the relationship, flip the switch and seek out what you have learned from this breakup. Nothing is a waste of time –– we are the accumulation of our many highs and lows. Each experience is a practice run in enabling us to better and understand ourselves. Plus, once you’re ready to step back into the dating waters again, you’ll have a much clearer idea of what you’re looking for, and what mistakes to avoid.
Be Open To Dating Again
Take your time. You don’t have to rush back into the dating scene, but you shouldn’t shy away from it once you feel that you’re ready. Lewandowski states that seven or eight times out of ten, getting into a fresh, meaningful relationship will undoubtedly help you get over a previous one. That being said, only do so once you’re certain that you’ve moved on from your ex. You don’t want to start the cycle of hurt and heartache again in your new relationship.
Maintain A Distance
You can’t get over your ex without maintaining a degree of emotional and physical distance. If you are in a situation where you would have to see your ex frequently, try your best to establish boundaries between private and public domains, and keep yourself emotionally distant. Psychiatrist and Behavioral Health Specialist Anne Gilbert likens this to treating your ex as if you would a pleasant roommate –– cut conversations short, cordial, and businesslike, and don’t react to their reactivity. Once some time has passed, you can then proceed to cultivate a friendship with your ex if both parties are agreeable to it.
In Conclusion
Breakups are not easy but incorporating these steps into your life would likely help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Give them a shot and who knows, you might move on sooner than you think.
Feature photo: Nathan Cowley
