Last week, I was standing in an alley in Hollywood, trying to get a picture of Mariah Carey, don’t ask me why, but that’s what I told the cops, and I have to stick by it. While I was waiting in the heat and humidity, I happened to look up and saw something that shouldn’t be there, even in Hollywood, where everything goes. What I saw was a UFO, a genuine dyed in the wool UFO circling slowly over the Kodak Center where Ms. Carey was going to perform later that evening. It was just a very bright point of light, but it had no business there, I doubt if it even had a permit.

Seeing a UFO raises many questions in any smart and handsome human being, I was able to think of three, not being either smart or handsome.

Are we alone in the Universe?

I don’t think we are, the place is just too huge, with Billions and Billions of Galaxies, as Carl Sagan used to say. There are probably trillions of planets floating around in the inky blackness of space, and it seems a little Earthcentric to think that life is not on any of them. On Earth life springs up everywhere, in deep ocean vents, the driest deserts, and my shower curtain. If it can survive there, it can make it anywhere.

Is there a God?

I think there is, and I certainly won’t deny the dude in writing just in case. That’s the kind of evidence that will hang you later on, I learned that lesson the hard way. I don’t want to stand before Him and have him tell me to ‘go to Hell’. That sounds pretty permanent to me. Although several of my friends and family have told me to ‘go to hell’, so maybe it is a nice place. It’s possible they just have a lousy PR department.

And this question, which has been on my mind for over 30 years, since my high school days:

If Bob was taking a train from San Francisco to Denver, a distance of 1050 miles, and the train could travel at 35 miles per hour, but had to stop for coal every 200 miles. It took 750 shovels full of coal each time, and a shovel could hold 8 pounds of coal. The coal shoveler could shovel 45 shovels a minute, how long would the trip take?

This question has plagued me for a long time and raises many other questions that have to be answered first. Like why did the little jerk take a coal burning train anyway, hasn’t he heard of global warming? Why didn’t he just hop on a plane like everyone else, and avoid the problem altogether?   Does he expect me to pick him up from the station? If he does, he should at least call and let me know he is on the way, and it would have helped him if he had remembered my birthday. Selfish little Bastard! He can freeze his butt off for all I care.

Why was the UFO hovering over a Mariah Carey concert?

Maybe interstellar beings are huge fans of overhyped egotistical Diva’s and they don’t have any on their home planet. Who knows, but if they are such fanatics about her that they would travel across time and space, breaking who knows how many laws of physics (You can get a pretty hefty fine for breaking one of those) to see her and hear her sing, I want to know one thing.

WHY THE HELL DIDN’T THEY TAKE HER WITH THEM?!??!!!

For the record, I think it was Venus, but Venus is not usually up at that hour. It I was Venus’ mother, I would be pissed.

Read more about Greg’s history with Ms. Carey at Mariah Carey’s Appearance at Universal Studio’s Citywalk…