Dear Lucia,

I have been seeing this wonderful woman for about 9 months.  For the last 6-7 weeks we have been talking on the phone several times a day and spending a lot of time together.  I send her flowers once a week, and other days I’ll put a flower or poem I’ve written on her car in the morning.

She recently expressed that she wanted to take a step back and slow things down a bit. I love her and have told her. She says she loves me also. Is she scared? Are things moving too fast? Am I about to lose this girl?  If so, what can I do to stop from losing her?  Rob

Dear Rob,

The answer to three of your four questions:  Yes! Yes! Yes!  Slow down Romeo. The fact that you’ve been together for 9 months and things started to change once the constant stream of flowers and poems began, means you’re overwhelming her.  It’s possible to feel two conflicting emotions at the same time.  While we all yearn to be in a loving relationship, we also have the desire to be free.  This is a human paradox you must always keep in mind.  What to do?  Back off.  Stop the flowers, poems, multiple daily phone calls.  Eventually, you can start to do those things again, but only in small doses. 

Dear Lucia,

I really love my boyfriend, but I absolutely despise his friends. I just don’t like them. What should I do?  Terri 

Dear Terri,

I find that hard to believe.  You’ve heard the saying, “Show me who your friends are and I’ll show you who you are?”  He must have something in common with them, something he sees in them that he identifies in himself, otherwise they wouldn’t be his friends.  You’re either choosing to not see in your boyfriend the negatives you see in his friends, or you’re choosing not to see the positives in his friends that you see in him.  Does that make sense?  So, your options are:  open your eyes, keep interactions with his friends to a minimum or break up with him.

Dear Lucia,

When you first meet a guy, do you find his initial shyness/nervousness endearing or a turn off?  Peter P.

Dear Peter,

Initial shyness/nervousness is not a turn off.  It tells me he’s being real and he’s probably not a player.  If someone is too smooth and confident – that’s a turn off!  However, eventually the shyness/nervousness needs to go, otherwise it becomes annoying.

Dear Lucia,

I went out with a guy on a first date. He was incredible. He is not very good looking, but his personality shined through. The next day I got the bright idea of sending flowers as a way to say thank you for a wonderful date. Needless to say, we are not longer dating. Is sending flowers to a man still a big no-no?  Lilly

Dear Lilly,

You’re right.  It was a bright idea.  Not! What were you thinking?  Of course sending a guy flowers is still a no-no – unless he’s your long term boyfriend or husband.  Why would you think things had changed?   A simple, “Thank you.  I had a nice time.” would have sufficed.  Sending flowers so soon makes the guy feel pressured and takes the mystery and therefore the fun out of dating.  Stop trying so hard.  I hope you learned your lesson.

Dear Lucia,

I want a boyfriend. Is that bad? I don’t need one but I want one. I want a guy who treats me well and respects me; someone who I have a lot in common with. I tend to date jerks. Any ideas on where I can find a guy like that?  Melissa 

Dear Melissa,

Join the club.  All women ultimately want someone who treats them with respect and with whom they have a lot in common.  Yet, for the most part, we all go through a phase where we date jerks, bad boys and players.   This seems inevitable.  It’s like a fire we have to walk through in order to get to the other side.  What is the other side?  Appreciating someone who is there for us, is actually nice to us, calls when he says he will and shows up for a date.  Why are you dating jerks?  The bottom line is, because you want to.  It’s like asking, why do I keep eating chocolate cake when I want to lose weight?  When you finally get to the point where you have enough self respect and self love, you will stop dating jerks.  Hopefully you’ll get to that point sooner rather than later.

Dear Lucia,

Every time I get around a guy I like, my stomach goes weird and I get really nervous.  Is there something wrong with me? What am I supposed to do?  Cindy

Dear Cindy,

That feeling is chemistry, also known as “butterflies”.  It’s nature’s way of telling you that you’re attracted to that person.  I know it can be nerve-wracking.  Take a few deep breaths.  That should help calm you down.  Otherwise, enjoy!