Lucia is a dating and relationship expert, columnist, author of “Lucia’s Lessons of Love” and host of the TV Show “The Art of Love”.
With 20+ years of experience in the dating world, Lucia has dated men of all nationalities in six cities, four countries, and two continents. Her practical know-how makes her the perfect candidate to dispense relationship advice. After all, in almost every dating dilemma she has been there, done that, and lived to tell about it.
Q: I’ve been dating a married but separated man for over 6 months. When we first met he was separated from his wife of 8 years for 2 months. We really connected and enjoy dating each other. I’m taking it slow due to the circumstances. He has made no effort to file for divorce or even move his wife’s things out. She does not know of me and she wants to work things out with him-he does not. I know he cares a lot for me but I don’t want to be a rebound. Should I end it?
A: Ughhh! What is it with you women who date married men? Aren’t there enough single men to go around? How would you feel if you were separated and wanted to reunite with your husband but he was doing (oops, I mean dating) someone else? People that are married should be left alone to either work things out or go their separate ways without third parties (that would be you) interfering.
Let’s look at the facts: He hasn’t filed for divorce, he hasn’t moved out his wife?s belongings and he hasn’t told his wife about you. It sounds to me like he just wanted to take a break from being married for a while. He wanted to pretend he was single again, knowing that he could go back to his wife when he was ready. Should you end it? Hell yeah!
Q: How long is the “rebound” period? I mean, how long does it usually take before a person can see someone else again seriously?
A: I once read that for every year one is in a relationship, it takes two months to get over it. However, it once took me four months to get over someone I’d only gone out with for two months, so I don’t think there?s a formula. It depends on how deep your feelings for the person were; at what point the break up occurred and who initiated the breakup. Often people leave a relationship mentally and emotionally before they leave physically. This is why sometimes people can jump into another situation right away and it works out. I’d say: Let your feelings be your guide. Don’t rush it. Your heart will tell you when it’s ready to open up again.
Q: How do you get over a break up when you’re in love with someone who is not in love with you? I don’t sleep around and drink, so other options, please.
A: I’m glad you don’t want to sleep around or drink. Most people associate the period after a breakup with destructive behavior. The fact that you’re heartbroken is already hurtful enough. Why make things worse by abusing yourself?
I’ve always found that one of the best ways to get over someone is to focus on work and career. Take advantage of this alone time to concentrate on your professional goals. As things start happening for you, you?ll start to feel better and before you know it, your ex will not be the foremost thing on your mind.
Also, take this time to spend time with family and close friends. Get out, do things, and try to have fun. Life must go on, and you’ll survive.
Q: What are some things that would make a guy not approach a girl when she has always shown interest, is friendly and open to conversation with him? Does the saying still stand that if a guy really likes someone, he would do whatever to get the girl, even though he may be shy?
A: Yes, if a guy is interested, he will do what he has to, to get the girl. The issue is that so many guys today have the attitude that they’re going to let the women chase them. This makes for lazy men and confused women (like you). However, you can bet your bottom dollar (whatever that means) that if a guy is interested in a girl and she has shown interest but isn’t making a move to ask him out, that he will eventually step up to the plate. There could be several reasons for your male friend acting this way 1.) He’s already involved 2.) He’s waiting to see if you’ll make a move. 3.) He’s not interested. 4.) He’s gay. I say: Wait. If he’s interested and available, he’ll eventually ask you out.
Q: I am 24 years old and I have gone through three rough relationships – the last one being the worst. I dated a single mother who cheated on me with her baby’s dad. After this happened, it was over. It has been two years and I have not gone out with any women since. I basically gave up. I often think that I need therapy. I see someone but I just think negatively and don’t ask for a number or a date. What can I do to get my confidence back?
A: You’re too young to be so down on love. You had 3 relationships by the time you were 22. I say that 3 too many. Your late teens and early twenties should be about having fun and keeping it light. You want to find out who you are and what you like.
Scientists at the NIH campus at Bethesda, Md. recently found out that the part of the brain that weighs risks makes judgments and controls impulsive behavior isn’t fully mature until age 25. Does this mean you shouldn’t even be thinking about a serious relationship until your next birthday?
Since your last break up was so devastating that you haven’t dated in 2 years, I would say some therapy would help. You will eventually get your confidence back. Use the experience from your previous relationships to make better choices in the future.
Q.? I am in love with a girl I’ve been dating for a month.? How do I make her fall in love with me? I am 24 yrs old and I think she’s a bit older than me. I invited her for lunch but she didn’t show. I also invited her last Sunday and again she didn’t show up. I tried her cell phone but she was not picking up. I was a bit down because we arranged to meet and she didn’t show up. How do I make her understand I’m in love with her? Please help me.
A: It’s very hard to convince someone of something that isn’t true. The truth is that you are not in love with her. I know it, she knows it and maybe somewhere inside you, you know it. You make be infatuated and obsessed, but you certainly can’t love someone after only one month. Love develops as a result of getting to know someone. You don’t even know how old she is!
Although it’s not right for her to stand you up, the reason she’s doing it is because you’re creeping her out. She doesn’t want to turn you down, so she pretends she’s going to see you and then doesn’t show up. Even if you haven’t said, I love you to her, your actions and attitude are showing her that you are way too into her after only one month. You’re coming across as desperate and unrealistic and that is never attractive. We all want to be with someone strong. Someone that is willing to put up with being continually stood up is not strong. Are you sure you’re even dating?
If there is to be any hope for you, you need to back off immediately. Don’t call her for a week. When you do call, don’t ask her out. Have a short, pleasant conversation and get off the phone. You can ask her out the next time you talk. If she doesn’t show up again, she’s not interested or she’s lost interest in you as a result of your actions. At that point, all you can do is learn from your mistakes and move on.
Q: There is a guy I’m seeing. The first time we met we slept together, then three different times after that. Lately, he’s been telling me he likes me. I called him once earlier in the week and he never answered or called back. I called him again on Friday night and he didn’t answer but then called me back at 3 am to come over. I did not sleep with him. He came over on Saturday night earlier in the evening, slept over and again no sex. Does he like me or just want sex?
A: This is another perfect example of why women should wait to have sex with a new guy. Had you waited until some type of relationship was established, you wouldn’t have to now waste your time wondering whether he likes you for you or just likes the sex.
The fact that he called you at 3 am would mean he was just interested in sex, but since nothing happened, maybe he does just like you for you. The only way to know is to stop having sex with him if you’re interested in more than just a physical relationship. If he still wants to see you, then you’ll know he likes you. If he doesn’t want to see you, then he likes the sex.
Q: If my “friend with benefits” is so in love with her new boyfriend, why is she still calling me even after I told her I wish her the best and I would attend her wedding but this is it? She recently supposedly broke it off with a married man. Then she found out that the guy is getting a divorce because his wife cheated on him. Now she’s in love with this guy and is talking marriage. She seems like a class-A whack job but I want your expertise on why she still feels the need to call me? What does she think I’m gonna do-marry her? What’s your take on this? Curious chemical engineer.
A: The question is not why is she still calling you, but why would you care enough that you would take the time to write to me?? Although the logical part of you knows she is unstable and not a good long term partner, the emotional part of you has feelings for her. You’re flattered that even though she’s ‘supposedly’ in love with someone else, she’s still in contact with you. Does the reason why even matter? Maybe she likes the sex and wants to make sure you’ll be available to her if she wants to get together in the future. Maybe she subconsciously knows it’s not going to work out with Mr. Married Man, so she’s keeping you on the ‘waiting list’?
The important thing here is not why she?s still in contact but why you’re still interested in her when she’s clearly shown you she doesn’t have her act together.? Remember what the law of attraction (as discussed in the best selling book, “The Secret”) says: Like energy attracts like energy. This means you don’t have your act together, because if you did, you would not be attracted to her. You would simply shake your head and be glad she’s not your girlfriend.
I suggest you ask yourself where in your life you’re not together and work on that, otherwise, you will still continue to find this type of person attractive.
Q: My boyfriend won’t kiss me, and only wants sex about twice a month. How can I get him to want me more?
A: You can’t get someone to do something they don’t want to do. They’re either inspired to do it or they’re not. Has it always been like this or has the situation changed recently? If this is how it’s always been, things aren’t likely to change. You need to decide if this is the type of relationship you want. If you don’t have a high sex drive, then twice a month shouldn’t be a problem.
If however, you need more sex, that’s a different story. If it?s been this way from the start, then your boyfriend probably doesn’t have a high sex drive. If this is a recent development, then you need to ask him what’s going on. If he says he’s too tired or busy, remind him that he wasn’t too tired or busy when you first started dating. The fact that he won’t kiss you bothers me. It almost sounds as if he’s treating you like a booty call. You need to have a talk and you may eventually need to walk.
Q: How much time after beginning to date someone should a girl wait to have ‘the talk’ I’ve been dating someone for a month now but don’t know where we stand…whether we’re just having fun or if it’s monogamous. I want to ask but I’m not sure if it’s too soon right now.
A: When you first start to date someone, you need to keep two things in mind: Assume that person is seeing other people and don’t assume they want a committed relationship with you. One month is definitely too soon to be having any kind of ‘we’ talk. You barely know this person. How do you know you even want to be in a monogamous relationship with them? Your attitude when you first start to see someone should be, show me who you are and I’ll decide where you fit into my life. Don’t automatically assume they would be good boyfriend/girlfriend material.
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