Iâm at the Commerce Casino this past Saturday afternoon waiting for the elevator when up walks James Woods accompanied by a nervous young handler.
âI was here last night until four-thirty in the morning,â he says in his trademark rapid-fire delivery. âHell, I practically just woke up.â
The elevator arrives and the three of us get in. Woods hits the button. âYou sure know your way around here,â says the handler.
Woodsâ face shrugs. âOh, Iâm here all the time. Last night I was sitting with Michael Hu. I hadnât pulled sh*t in three hours. Then I flop a straight flush. I throw in two hundred and I canât get one !#@$% bet. Michael Hu throws in his hand. Michael Huâs never folded a hand in his life. The hand before that he bet four thousand pre-flop.â
I donât know who Michael Hu is, and I donât think the handler does either, but he smiles as wide as he can with the walkie-talkie headphones heâs got pinned to his ears. I shake my head in faux-bewilderment and say, âWell, better luck tonight, huh?â Woods looks at me and shakes his head dismissively as the elevator door opens. âTonight? This is nothinâ. Bunch of creampuffs.â
Itâs the first night of the World Poker Tour Celebrity Invitational, and the creampuffs are out in full force. Around sixty or so film, television, and sports celebrities are here to test their skill against the professionals of the World Poker Tour, and you can practically hear the sound of chops being licked just beneath the clinking ice of cocktail hour. For the professionals, tonight is just another day at the office, a chance to win a share of the $200,000 prize pool and earn a coveted victory on the highly competitive tour. For the celebrities the stake is bragging rights, $10,000 for charity, and a seat in the World Championship â an honor and privilege worth $25,000.
The Commerce Casino has cleaned up nicely over the years. I was coming here when I was 17, using my poorly laminated Louisiana driverâs license to get a seat at the $1-$2 stud game. Back then the place was sparsely populated by mostly the same kind of degenerate gambling addicts you find at the racetrack â old men with splotchy skin in coffee-stained shirts and dated shades, chain-smoking at the table and making smarmy comments to the cocktail waitresses. That was before the poker craze hit, before ESPN splashed the tournaments all over prime time, before guys like Phil Ivey and Chris Moneymaker became household names, before the game went mainstream. Now the place is packed with young, affluent men and women of all stripes – some dressed to the nines âall lining up to get into a game of No-Limit Texas Hold âEm. The action is so heavy theyâve nearly doubled the amount of tables here to over 240, making Commerce the largest card casino in the world.
Related: Play With Your Celebrity
Tonight, up on the second floor, the celebrities mingle amongst the professionals, snacking on sushi and crab claws with the hapless air of lambs being led to the slaughter. Vince Vaughn gives old pal Jon Favreau a slap on the back as a greeting. Fellow swinger Ron Livingston chats it up with Donnie Wahlberg in a corner. Jason Alexander poses good-naturedly for a photo with a fan. Hank Azaria, Ricki Lake, Camryn Manheim, and tennis pro James Blake all file in and prepare to take their seats as the start time approaches, as does Jennifer Tilly and her boyfriend, professional poker player Phil âThe Unabomberâ Laak.
Tilly is one of several celebrities in the tournament whose affinity for poker borders on an obsession. She considers herself a professional and boastfully claims that she wants to become known as one of the best poker players in the world. Sheâs well on her way – in 2005 Tilly won the Ladiesâ Event at the World Series of Poker, beating out 600 competitors and taking home a cash prize of $158,000 â and not just play money for charity. Winning that event also earned Tilly a gold bracelet, the World Poker Tourâs equivalent of the green jacket awarded to the winner of the Professional Golferâs Association Masters Tournament.
At seven oâclock the cards are dealt and the incessant clack of chips pervades the room. Mekhi Phifer sits at a table across from Chinese actress Bai Ling. Norm McDonald, Lou Diamond Phillips, and Mena Suvari share a laugh before things get too tense. Within less than a minute of play, a dealer shouts âAll in, Table four!â and a wave of excitement shoots through the room as everyone cranes their neck to see which sucker has put it all on the line this early.
Itâs actor Erik Palladino, formerly of ER, and heâs just gone all in with a pair of sevens. A pro calls his hand, and matches his bet with a king-queen in the hole. The flop comes and thereâs another king. Palladino stands up and prays out loud for another seven. The turn card is flipped and it helps neither player. As the dealer flips the river card, Palladino shouts out âSeven!â to no avail. The pro scoops the chips and the first celebrity is eliminated before you can sayâ¦
âBad beat, man?â I say to Palladino on the patio a few minutes later.
âNah. Bad play,â he says, lighting a cigarette. âI havenât even really played in over a year. This is all about the fun, anyways.â
At ten minutes to eight a side door opens and Paris Hilton strides onto the tournament floor, accompanied by two female friends, her bodyguard, and a hotel escort. Even in a room packed to the brim with celebrities, the arrival of the celebutante generates a stir. She is escorted to a seat at the center table, where she pulls up a chair and is handed her chips – $10,000, just like everyone else.
As the night progresses, the celebrities begin dropping faster than Michael Richardsâ Q rating. Ricardo Chavira (Desperate Housewives) loses to a pair of kings. Mehki Phifer gets busted by an ace-king. And at the rowdiest table in the room, James Woods needs a miracle on 5th Street to avoid getting knocked out of the tournament byâ¦Jennifer Tilly.
âDonât bone me, dealer! Donât bone me!â he hollers. The river card is flipped and Woods dramatically throws his head back with palms planted to his eyes in anguish. Tilly waves her arms in celebration before standing up, walking over to Woods and giving him a huge hug. By nightâs end, Tilly will also be eliminated – as will nearly all of the celebrities, with notable exceptions Livingston and director Nick Cassavetes (The Notebook, Alpha Dog) â but thanks to the energy and enthusiasm of the celebrity participants, the game is the real winner.